Pledge of Allegiance
Since the Pledge of Allegiance And The Lord's Prayer Are not allowed in most Public schools anymore Because the word "God" is mentioned.....
15 yr kids in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer:
"New Pledge of Allegiance"
Now i sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene..
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all..
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy', our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong..
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles..
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Scalding Burns Sounds like this person found a new cure?
Once I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork
in the boiling water to see if the corn was ready. I missed and my hand went into the boiling water....
A friend of mine, who was a Vietnam vet, came into the house, just as I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old flour...I pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it. He said to keep my hand in the flour for 10 mins. which I did.
He said that in Vietnam , this guy was on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of flour all over him to put the fire out...well, it not only put the flour out, but he never even had a blister!!!!
SOOOO, long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 mins, pulled it out and had not even a red mark or a blister and absolutley NO PAIN. Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge and every time I burn myself, I use the flour and never ONCE have I ever had a red spot, a burn or a blister! *cold flour feels even better than room temperature flour.
Miracle, if you ask me. Keep a bag of white flour in your fridge and you will be happy you did. I even burnt my tongue and put the flour on it for about 10 mins. and the pain was gone and no burn. Try it! BTW, don't run your burn area under Cold water first, just put it right into the flour for 10 mins and experience a miracle
A Little Poem that reflects the changed lifestyles of the elderly:
Another year has passed and we're all a little older. Last summer felt much hotter and winter seems much colder.There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand about "living in the past".
We used to go to weddings, football games and lunches. Now we go to funeral homes and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay. Now we suffer body aches and wile the night away.
We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel to places near and far. Now we get sore asses from riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs and drink a little booze. Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news.
That my friend is how life is and now my tale is told. So, enjoy each day and live it up before you're too damned old!
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month...if you can.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
What You Need To Know for Winter.
Keep your headlights clear with car wax! Just wipe ordinary car wax on your headlights. It contains special water repellents that will prevent that messy mixture from accumulating on your lights - lasts 6 weeks.Squeak-proof your wipers with rubbing alcohol! Wipe the wipers with a cloth saturated with rubbing alcohol or ammonia. This one trick can make badly streaking & squeaking wipers change to near perfect silence & clarity.
Ice-proof your windows with vinegar! Frost on it's way? Just fill a spray bottle with three parts vinegar to one part water & spritz it on all your windows at night. In the morning, they'll be clear of icy mess. Vinegar contains acetic acid, which raises the melting point of water---preventing water from freezing!
Prevent car doors from freezing shut with cooking spray! Spritz cooking oil on the rubber seals around car doors & rub it in with a paper towel The cooking spray prevents water from melting into the rubber
Fog-proof your windshield with shaving cream! Spray some shaving cream on the inside of your windshield & wipe if off with paper towels. Shaving cream has many of the same ingredients found in commercial defoggers.
De-ice your lock in seconds with hand sanitizer! Just put some hand sanitizer gel on the key & the lock & the problems solved!
1) NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said .............. 'What'd he do?'
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning .'
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out... 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Wacky Uses for Pam Spray
Prevent dead insects from sticking to the hood and grill of a car. Spray with PAM Cooking Spray before driving. After the car trip, simply hose off the hood and grill.
Speed up a sled. Spray PAM Cooking Spray on the bottom of a sled or an inner tube before taking it out in the snow.
Dry nail polish. After polishing your nails, spray with PAM Cooking Spray.
Prevent cut grass from sticking to the blades of a lawn mower. Spray the cutting blade of the lawn mower with PAM Cooking Spray before cutting the lawn.
Lubricate bicycle chains and roller skate wheels. Spray with PAM Cooking Spray.
Prevent tomato sauce stains on plastic containers. Spray the insides of the containers with PAM Cooking Spray before filling the container with any food containing tomatoes.
Season a cast-iron pot or skillet. Wash in warm, soap water after each use, wipe thoroughly dry, coat the inside with PAM Cooking Spray, then wipe clean with a sheet of Bounty Paper Towel.
Make salt stick to air-popped popcorn. Spray the popcorn with PAM Cooking Spray, then salt.
Help dirt or snow slide off a shovel. Spray PAM Cooking Spray on the snow or garden shovel.
Prevent a key from sticking in the lock. Spray with PAM Cooking Spray.
Clean soap scum from a shower door. Spray PAM Cooking Spray on a soft cloth, and wipe clean.
Make cleaning a grater less grating. Before using the grater, spray it with PAM Cooking Spray to make clean-up easier.
Make defrosting the freezer easier. After defrosting the freezer, spray it with PAM Cooking Spray.
Prevent Saran Wrap from sticking to a pie or cake. Spray the underside of the plastic wrap with Pam Cooking Spray.
Make cleaning artificial snow from windows easier. Before decorating windows with artificial snow, spray the glass lightly with PAM Cooking Spray.
Prevent dishwasher runners from sticking. Spray the runners with PAM Cooking Spray.
Prevent squeaky door hinges. Spray with PAM Cooking Spray.
Make cleaning the broiler pan easier. Spray the pan with PAM No Stick Cooking Spray before cooking.
Prevent waffles from sticking to a waffle iron. Spray PAM No Stick Cooking Spray on the waffle iron.
Prevent dough from sticking to a table. Spray the surface with PAM Cooking Spray.
Prevent car doors from freezing shut. Spray the rubber gaskets with PAM Cooking Spray. The vegetable oil seals out water, without harming the gasket.
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us..
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
TEA The Healthier Alternative
A virtual ï¿½Tonic in a Cupï¿½ is how one could describe tea.
With an estimated global daily intake of 3.5 billion cups, there are very valid reasons why Tea, besides also being amongst the most inexpensive is, other than water, probably the most widely consumed beverage worldwide.
While there are many options available to the consumer, Tea thanks to its positive medicinal attributes and low calorific value, becomes the natural choice as the ideal thirst quencher.The Tea plant contains a number of polyphenolic antioxidants which have the natural ability to counteract the adverse effects of oxidants which, though constantly produced within the living system, are responsible for many diseases.
These anti oxidant properties represent highly efficient inbuilt preventative machinery within the living cell which results in:
ï¿½ Making Tea a natural, safe and a pure drink, free of fat, calories, or sodium.
ï¿½ Refreshing and relaxing.
ï¿½ Banishes drowsiness. It stimulates thinking and improves memory.
ï¿½ Tea lowers the risk of cancer.
ï¿½ Tea lowers the risk of cardio-vascular diseases.
ï¿½ Tea reduces cholesterol.
ï¿½ Tea helps the body fight off viral diseases.
ï¿½ Tea fights infection.
ï¿½ Tea improves dental health and bone density.
ï¿½ Tea improves longevity.
Serving Size 1 cup (Approx 2gm of tea)
Calories per serving (0)
Total fat (0gm)
Merry Christmas To My Female Friends
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
I USED TO HATE PURPLE...
I used to hate purple - it wasn't my color It gave to my skin an unhealthy pallor.
I wouldn't wear purple, or scarlet, or pink Cus someone might see me - then what would they think??
I used to hate purple, it wasn't for me It wasn't appropriate for a lady.
I wouldn't wear purple, it just wouldn't do I wouldn't wear lavender or any other hue.
THEN - I read a poem - a WARNING to all And the RED HAT SOCIETY got on the ball!
I bought a red/pink hat, and a purple tank top And wouldn't you know it?? the world didn't stop!
Nobody cared what I had on my head And nobody cared what my color choice said!
I found out that purple, in whatever hue Had given me freedom that I never knew!
Now I don't care what others might think I've joined with the women who live life on the brink!
We do what we like, and wear what we want! Purple, pink and red are now colors to flaunt!
I used to hate purple - how silly of me!! I took myself and my clothes too seriously.
If I don't have fun NOW, then when will I start? I've spent too much time caring what others thought!
I'll wear my new colors with 'verve and elan'! I'll greet other Red Hatters with a wave of my hand!
We'll all stand together, the reds and the pinks We'll not give a damn what other folks think!
The Red Hat Society is far too much fun! And I'm here to say - I'm PROUD TO BE ONE!!
S. Maugans, 2003
The History of 'APRONS'
I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to
protect the dress underneath,because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, br>but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready,Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the menfolks knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.
They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.
I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron.
The History of 'APRONS'
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Do not drive with the sun shield in place"
On an infant's bathtub: "Do not throw baby out with bath water"
On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R)throat lozenges: "Not meant as a substitute for human companionship"
On a Magic 8 Ball: "Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test"
On a roll of Life Savers: "Not for use as a floatation device"
On a cup of McDonald's coffee "Allow to cool before applying to groin area"
On a refrigerater: "Refrigerate after opening"
On a handgun: "Not recommended for use as a nut cracker"
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: "Not to be used for breast augmentation"
Place a few pennies in your birdbath.
They slow down algae buildup.To stop mosquito bites from itching is to make a paste made from bar soap. Rub until itching stops and allow the paste to dry. Remove later
To make bath special for a child, scatter a few flower petals into the water.
Baby bottle brushes are perfect for scrubbing Hummingbird feeders. The bristles are small enough to reach into the tiny crevices and strong enough to scrub away tough grime.
Mix carrot and radish seeds together when planting. The radishes will mature first and harvesting them thins the carrots.
Rinse your hands in vinegar and dry them thoroughly before going outside to work in cold weather. The vinegar conditions your hands so that your fingers will remain limber a little longer.
Sprinkle powdered detergent or ground cayenne pepper in the dirt around your sweet corn and it will keep the raccoons away.
Dandelions will do a disappearing act if you spray pure white vinegar where the roots were after pulling. Don't worry about the grass, it will grow back quickly.
To help cut flowers last longer, apply hair spray.
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
(No kidding, all of the above is true...)
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
Interesting Facts About the Human Body
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a softball.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The attachment of human muscle to skin is what causes dimples.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
When you are looking at someone your love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
Your ears secrete more earway when you are afraid than when you aren't.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dessolve something, you cannot taste it.
The average woman is five inches shorter that the average man.
Vincent van Gogh's relatives were:
Verti Gogh......................His dizzy aunt
Gotta Gogh......................The brother who eats prunes
Chica Gogh......................A cousin from Illinois
Where-Diddy Gogh................His magician uncle
Amee Gogh.......................A Mexican cousin
Gring Gogh......................Another Mexican cousin
Wellsfar Gogh...................A nephew who drives stagecoachs
Cant Gogh.......................The constipated uncle
Tang Gogh.......................The ballroom dancing aunt
Flamin Gogh.....................The bird loving uncle
E Gogh..........................A psychoanalyst Uncle
Man Gogh........................A cousin who loves fruit
Poe Gogh........................a bouncy little nephew
Go Gogh.........................his sister who loves disco
Winnie Bay Gogh.................a niece who travels the country
Well, there you gogh!
What Are Grits?
What are grits? Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat.. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy .
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 TBsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)
Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat!
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are extremely rare) Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
TRADITIONAL BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the lord bless these grits, May no Damnyankee ever get the recipe, May I eat grits every day while living, And may I die while eating grits.
AMENThings to do with WD40
Interesting!!! A refresher course--who knew?
I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew? Water Displacement #40. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a ' water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you...' IT IS MADE FROM FISH OIL' When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It is a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... It is now shinier than it has ever been before.
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that ..just-waxed.. sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains. 9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of waterspots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car.Remove immediately with wd40.
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift on lawn mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain .
37) Florida 's favorite use 'Cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38) Protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time.
40) Fire ant bites . It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) If you've washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you spray WD-40 on the distributor cap, it will displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
I keep a can of WD-40 in my kitchen cabinet over the stove. It is good for oven burns or any other type of burn. It takes the burned feeling away and heals with NO scarring.
Remember, the basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
DANGEROUS CAKE RECIPE
CHOCOLATE CAKE-IN-A-MUG (the MOST DANGEROUS CAKE RECIPE IN THE WORLD)***
1 Coffee Mug
4 Tbsp. cake flour (plain, not self-rising)
4 Tbsp. sugar
2 Tbsp. cocoa
3 Tbsp. milk
3 Tbsp. oil
Small splash of vanilla
3 Tbsp. chocolate chips, optional
Add dry ingredients to mug, mix with a fork.
Add egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in milk and oil and vanilla, mix well.
Put mug in microwave, and cook for three minutes on High.
Cake will rise over top of mug-do not be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little; tip onto a plate if desired.
(This can serve two if you want to feel slightly more virtuous.)
*** And WHY is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we all are only five minutes away from chocolate cake any time of the day or night!!!!***
A Red Hat Friend
A friend for laughter,
The color purple for Eccentricity and a Bright Red Hat for Attitude!
Of all the gifts both great and small,
A girlfriend with a Red HAT Is the best girlfriend of them all!
May your life be a BOLD ADVENTURE,
May your days be filled with GALES OF LAUGHTER,
And may you always live and love BODACIOUSLY!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Ad for Gynecogolist Assistant
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi.That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?' 'NO, that is how far the end of the line is now'!
The Ant and the Contact Lens:
A True Story
Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb. As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens . 'Great', she thought. 'Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry.' She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there. She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying.. She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens.
When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found.
Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse 'The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth.'
She thought, 'Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me.'
Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, 'Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?'
Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!
The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, 'Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You.'
I think it would do all of us some good to say, 'God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will.'
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
LEMONS and SUGAR
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you be fore they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So......... always remember.... when life hands you Lemons, ask for Sugar and call me over!
Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.
'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway'
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truckload when I'm gone.
Don't you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'? See how many 'bouquets ' you end up with.
Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Life keeps You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going.
In case you don't know what a hangover is:
A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and you wish you hadn't."
A good cure for a hangover is to drink black coffee
the night before instead of the morning after.
The best days not to drink are days that end in the letter, "Y".
But just in case you find yourself with a whopper of a hangover
try one of the followig cures....they're all guaranteed to work.YOODOO VOODOO CURE
Those spun out Haitan voodoo people recommend sticking thirteen
black pins in the cork of the offending bottle.
Worth a try. Harder with twist tops.
SPIN OUT CURE
When you go to bed at night after a long night of drinking
and you have the spins there is a cure...
put one foot on the ground and keep one in bed.
The Rockin' Fifties
What a great time it was for all of us who were lucky enough to live in that magic time. And if you were in high school then it was pure fun! Bobbi socks, pony tails, penny loafers, rock and roll, ducks butts, sideburns, hoola hoops, American Bandstand, Howdy Doody, and a zillion other things come to mind but the thing that stands out is the dancing! Oh how we danced!
The diners, the blue plate specials, a nickle coke! We could get cheeseburgers for a quarter, luscious milkshakes and real french fries! Yummy!
Hoola hoops swept the nation in a craze! We all tried it and laughed to see our Mom's and Dad's out hoola us all.
Turn tables and 45 records, we all had a collection... Each one about a dollar! You didn't find a drive through restaurant on every corner but there were a few back then...my favorite....... A&W, how about a root beer float! And those sizes...papa beer, mama beer, and don't forget baby beer! A bottle of Pepsi was a dime! I guess a nickel according to this sign! I'm not quite that old! Coke came in those cute little bottles, my Mom's favorite!
Really cool cars too! and if you were a boy, had sideburns, and one of these you were really COOL!
Carhops to serve you, some on roller skates... They had to be good!
Double Bubble bubble gum, with little tiny paper cartoons folded up inside each little package of gum. Try reading one of those today without glasses!
I remember the gas wars...my big brother would check out the prices before he bought his gas, pretty easy to do since the gas stations in our home town all seemed to be in the same block....I remember it being as low as 15 cents a gallon! "Give me a dollars worth," he'd say! he he It was enough for a nights cruisin! And for that buck, they pumped it for you, cleaned your windshield, checked your oil and tires!
The only place I can remember having air conditioning was Woolworths! What a neat dime store that was! My sister and I spent lots of time there checking out everything! At home we cooled off with fans......
I still love those shakes...... but they go right to my hips now! Remember when you could eat all you wanted and never gain an ounce!
The great TV programs we had, I remember our first TV, we were mesmerized! My Mom fell in love with Liberace!
We rushed home from school to watch American Bandstand and learn all the newest dances. And who could forget...
"Hey kids! What time is it?" "It's Howdy Doody time!"
With Clarabell, and Buffalo Bob Smith!
Those days are gone but the memories linger on.... Hey and I can still rock n roll!!
~ Charlotte Anselmo ~
ALONG THE TRELLIS
A friendship true is like pure gold-- it won't wear out because it's old.
A friend is a word the very sight of which in print makes the heart warm.
A friend is a rare book, of which but one copy is made.
The most valuable antiques are old friends.
Friendship improves happiness and abates misery by doubling our joy and dividing our grief.
Friendship is the silver key that unlocks the door to happiness.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: HUMAN FACTOIDS !!!!!
This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering....
Scientists say the higher your I.Q the more you dream.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg
and the smallest is the male sperm.
You use 200 muscles to take one step.
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
The acid in your stomach is strong enough to
dissolve razor blades.
The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour
as a single cell.
There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to boil.
The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate,
and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test....
so send this to others that will want to too.
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true! She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online..'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,' My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her And send her back to me.
Gas Tricks to save you money!!
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline....Here in California we are also paying higher, upwards of $3.50 per gallon.
But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.
Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose , CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.
One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades.
We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.
Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold.
Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands,
so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol
and other petroleum products play an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business.
But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages:
low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return.
If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage
tank so you're getting less worth for your money.
One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space.
Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof.
This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature
compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.
Another reminder. If there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--
most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
A Few Helpful Hints
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store,
whip it with your mixer for a few minutes.
You can double it in size.
To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle them with
cayenne pepper...squirrels won't come near it.
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you won't
have a clingy skirt, dress or pants.
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it
with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup.
Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and
watch how easily it comes right out.
Buy a chalkboard ereser and keep it in the glove box
of your car. When the windows fog up, rub the eraser on the window.
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper
than shaving cream and leaves you legs really smooth.
Goodbuy Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass and
fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing
liquid, mix well. Those flies are drawn to the cup.
A SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt...
A Red Hat PrayerNow I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles. Please no bags.
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots. Please no gray. And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done.
WHEN I AM AN OLD CAT
I shall wear a diamond collar and leave my footprints on white couches.
I shall drink my cream with a touch of brandy and spit out my vitamins.
I shall sit on the laps of dog people just to irritate them.
I shall nap on top of the neighbor's petunias and perch on top of birdbaths and grow charmingly chubby.
But for now I must tolerate the dog and use my litter box and not sharpen my claws on the sofa, so no one can doubt the truth that cats are superior to dogs.
But every once in a while I wonder if I should be naughty now and then and nip a few toes, so my humans won't be too shocked when suddenly I become an old cat and start to wear a diamond collar.
Cat's Motto "No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown
Mirror, mirror on the wall, Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring light, To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think Iï¿½m fine but I can see, you wonï¿½t cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play, Youï¿½d think my hair was getting gray.
Whatï¿½s that, you say? A double chin? No, thatï¿½s the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so, Youï¿½ll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if youï¿½re not hanging straight, Youï¿½ll tell me next Iï¿½m gaining weight;
Iï¿½m really quite upset with you, For giving this distorted view; I hate you being smug and wise, Oh, look whatï¿½s happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, Oh mirrored wall, Since weï¿½re not on speaking terms at all, If I look like this in my new jeans, Youï¿½ll find yourself in smithereens!
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! 6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra -- Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquird mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear without turning around.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"!
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice icecream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? -Author Unknown
What Every Woman Should Know
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... One friend who Always makes her Laugh... And one Who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A good piece of furniture not previously owned by Anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... Eight matching plates, Wine glasses with stems, And a recipe for a meal that will Make her guests feel honored.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A feeling of control over Her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB How to BREAK UP WITH A LOVER AND how to CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... When to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That she can't change The length of her calves, The width of her hips, or The nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That her childhood May not have been Perfect... but; Its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she would and Wouldn't Do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to live alone... even if She doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, And why she shouldn't Take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Where to go.. Be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. Or a charming inn in the woods... When her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she can and can't accomplish In a day... A month... And a year...
Signs of humor!
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
***************************"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
" Best place in town to take a leak.
"Ode to the Red Hat Society"
by Sue Ellen Cooper
A Letter To My Friends
It's not so many months ago when first we heard each others name
A simple e-mail back and forth And now my life will never be the same
And, so, as time went marching by a bond began to grow
We learned so much about each other. Important things we had to know.
What kind of work do we do? How do we spend a normal day?
What things are important to us?
Still so many things we want to say.
As time, day by day, went by Our thoughts we soon began to share.
And then that "puter pal" became my friend Someone, you know, for whom I truly care.
Can any of you explain to me Why this occurs with just a few?
This fantastic bond of friendship Takes place with only one or two?
Now my life is full of joy. My friends are just a click away
Some dear friends write twice a month With others it's several times a day.
But each and every one of you Is special in your own unique way.
You give so very much to me, More pleasure than I could ever say.
Your friendship means the world to me And even though we live so far apart
And we know that we will never meet, You will always have a place within my heart.
(And all this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!)
Bounce will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
Bounce also repels mice... spread them around foundation areas, or in trailers or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
Bounce will take the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
Bounce repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors durig mosquito season.
Bounce eliminates static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your tv screen with a used sheet to keep dust from resettling.
Dissolve soap scum from shower doors; clean with a sheet of Bounce.
Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
Put a Bounce in the vacuum cleaner.
Prevent sewing thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
Clean baked on foods from a cooking pan with Bounce. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overn ight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
Collect cat/pet hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight. They'll be fresh the next day for your walk!
Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. Keeps them smelling fresh!
My appetite is my shepherd,
I always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape,
Yea, tho I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop for it tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me it exciteth me for I know I shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate, my clothes runneth small.
Surely bulges and excess weight shall follow me all the days of my life, if I don't changeth my ways.
Surprise Uses for your Microwave
or lemon juice,then heat it on high for 1 minute.
2. Toast nuts, bread crumbs and coconut...spread them out on a plate
and heat on high for 2-3 min, stirring every minute.
3. Get more juice from citrus fruits by microwaving them
for 20 seconds before squeezing.
4. Cook vegetables by placing them in one layer
(if possible) on a dish, and cover it tightly with plastic and ;
cook on high.
Check items, such as spinach, snow peas after 30 seconds,
and cruchy ones like carrots after 4 minutes.
5. De-crystalize honey by uncovering the jar
and heating on med. power for 30 - 60 seconds.
6. Partially cook foods for the grill partway before putting
them on the barbecue to cut grilling time.
7. Disinfect plastic cutting boards by washing
it well, rub it with the cut side of a lemon,
then heat for 1 minute.
8. Roast garlic in less than 8 minutes in the microwave.
Slice off the top of the head to reveal all cloves.
Place the head in a small deep dish,season with
salt, pepper and 2 tablespoons of good olive oil.
Spoon 2 tablespoons of water into the bottom of the dish,
cover it with plastic wrap and cook on med. for 7-8 min.
9. Soften brown sugar by adding a few drops of water,
and heat on med for 10-20 seconds.
A Windy Day
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat tight so that it would not blow away
in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you
know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both
my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing
any panties and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Sometimes we need to remember
What The Rules of Life Really Are.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three
alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship are: "I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother
ever gave you was: "Go!
You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for
him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself:
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former
relationship just might mean that the other person was
right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not THAT important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan!
Hat Table Favors
Take 6 oz. Styrofoam coffee cups and turn them upside down on a cookie sheet (4 or 5 at a time).
Place the sheet in a 250 degree oven for approximately 20 minutes.
The cup shrinks down to look like a hat with a brim.
Spray the "hat" with red spray paint (several coats)
and decorate (using a glue gun) with ribbon, feathers, miniature flowers, etc.
Ovens differ so you may need to experiment with the times and temps......
higher or lower temp and shorter or longer times.....to get the results you want.
The brim of the "hat" will differ depending on the cup, temperature and time.
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
A day without sunshine is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.<
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
>The Red Hat Survival Kit
Red & Purple Feathers ~ to remind you that you can fly!
Kazoo ~ donï¿½t forget to toot your own horn.
Pretzels ~ hugs from your Red Hat Sisters.
Hershey's Kisses ~ to remind you of the sweetness of family & friends.
Penny ~ for your thoughts, you might as well get paid to talk to yourself.
Mirror ~ to remind you that you are very important.
Marbles ~ to replace the ones that you have lost or will lose.
Rubber-band ~ to remind you to be flexible.
Paper-Clips ~ to remind you that you are an important link in others lives.
Lollipop ~ to remind you that you can lick all your problems.
Eraser ~ to remind you that everyone makes mistakes.
Band-Aid ~ to fix your hurt feelings.
Nuts ~ to remind you to be a little nutty & laugh.
Do Not Disturb Sign ~ to remind you that you need time to yourself.
Pen & Pad ~ to write down your thoughts before you forget them.
Cotton Balls ~ for those times when you can't hear yourself think.
Ear-Plugs ~ to remind you sometimes itï¿½s important just to listen.
Lifesavers ~ to save you from one of those days.
Breath-mints ~ to remind you to just breathe.
Toothpicks ~ to remind you to pick out the good in all situations.
Starburst ~ to give you a burst of energy.
Tootsie Roll ~ to remind you to roll with the punches.
Red Glitter ~ to wish you Scarlet Sparkles.
Candle ~ when you feel in the dark.
Aspirin ~ when all else fails -
Some Funny and Crazy REAL Labels:
* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
"If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Why women take soooo long in the restroom......When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been
so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,
but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ),
yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,
"Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have
KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.
It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream,
as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor,
lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,
"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes,
propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist
of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands
with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line
points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to
the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions
about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door,
hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
Diet: The weigh of life.
Balanced Diet: A cookie in each hand.
Dieting: Breaking the pound barrier.
Sweets: The destiny that shapes our ends.
Successful Diet: The triumph of mind over platter.
As I wake up from my sleep I pray my diet I will keep
But if temptation makes me slip
I pray the Lord my pants wonï¿½t rip
Friends are like balloons;
once you let them go, you might not get them back.
Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems
that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong
that we forget what's right and wrong.
Sometimes we just don't realize what
real friendship means until it is too late.
Younger Days by Maya Angelou
When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less.
I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free:
There's the comfort of elastic where once my waist would be.
Inventors of those high-heeled shoes my feet have not forgiven.
I have to wear a nine now, but used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose..
They're sized by weight, you see.
So how come when I put them on
the crotch is at my knee?
I need to wear these glasses as the print's been getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago, I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to gray and my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me, its the outside's changed a bit
Now.....The Alphabet Presentation
ï¿½ Whimsical & Wacky Wits -
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
k is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two .
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
The Joys Of Dieting
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out,
but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
On a diet? Go to the paint store.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is .. . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . .. having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good looking.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is .. . . having money.
At age 60 success is .. . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
How many of these did
A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a Knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them Neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't Refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The Wax will fall out.
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped In baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of Scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw Away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would Be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
Blood stains on Clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen Peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood.
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal For inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't w ash windows On a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely Light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your Clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels And linen.
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 Hours prior to burning.
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the Flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt And leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or Two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring In tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will Keep for weeks.
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the Corn's' natural sweetness
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your Forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future Use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that?
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area And you will experience instant relief.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk Line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants Tend to march. See for yourself.
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, Leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to Tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and Then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........ Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes,! Brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water And drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
Polish Jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the Jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.
OLD TIME HEALTH REMEDIES AND CURES
POISON IVY - Equal parts of apple cidar vinegar and water (dab on skin and let dry). BURNS - Apply full strength apple cidar vinegar.
TONIC - Take 2 teaspoons apple cidar vinegar a 2 teaspoons honey in 1 glass of water 2 times a day. This is a natural sedative too. Will calm nerves.
HANGOVER - 2 tablespoons honey taken every 20 minutes until you have taken 6 table spoons. Overindulgence in alcohol is related to potassium deficiency. Honey replaces the potassium in your blood stream.
If your skin itches and is scaly, your skin will feel better if you wash it in vinegar. Bacteria can not live in the presence of honey because of it's rich potassium content.
Castor oil rubbed on warts and sores, will soon cure them.
Red clover is rich in calcium and phosphorus.
Red Hat Society
The Official Mascot: Ruby Red
The RHS Sign in Sign Language:
This is the sign: crossing the pointer finger and the middle is the sign for red and tapping the head is the sign for hat ****
"Therefore, we're going to use this sign as our official greeting for each other when we are in public and not wearing our regalia. It allows us to be playful even when we are in a serious setting such as the workplace or church. So the next time you see a Red Hatter outside of a meeting, cross your fingers and tap your head in a Red Hat greeting."
The Official Flower: The "Drama Queen Poppy"- it combines red and purple
The Official instrument: kazoo
The Official Red Hat Day: 25 April-the day of the first gathering in 1998
The Official Girlfriend Day: 22 July (1944) the birthday of the EQM Sue Ellen. This is a day to exchange cards, etc.
The Official Sport: shopping The Official Song: The Red Hat Society Song
The Official Ode: written by EQM Sue Ellen "Ode to the Red Hat Society"
The Official website: www.RedHatSociety.com
The Official Game: Bunco, a game started in the 1800's
The Official Greeting: brushing of the brims of your hats
The Official Social Gathering: tea party
The Official Dessert: dindongs [yummy]
Some Great Costume Ideas or